Baseball Caps

Ok, so I know they're supposed to be the American thing, or whatever. But I think they're ridiculous. I think they're tacky, and I don't think they ever make someone look better. I'm sorry, but I don't. And I especially hate them on women. No offense, ladies. They just make everyone look like tourists!

I mean, if you're out fishing that's fine. If you're actually a baseball player, that's fine too. But other than a few certain circumstances, I'm pretty sure they should be banned from the human wardrobe.

I'd never owned a baseball cap until sixth grade, when we had to go to this week-long outdoor camp, and they recommended everyone bring baseball caps. And I never wore one by choice since.

I had to wear one last summer when I worked in the deli at this grocery store. It was a black Kretschmar hat, which was the type of meat we sliced. Classy, right? And I was always messing with it, adjusting it and whatnot, with my gloves on, and then it would be all full of powder. Some old man even commented on my hat once. "I like your hat," he said, thinking he was being all funny. Whatever.

I also have to wear a hat at the school cafeteria I work at. It's huge and I wear it down over my eyes, so that the only way I can even see what I'm doing is to lift my whole face up and look like a total nerd. Or run into everything, which I do quite often. I forget that I have this hat on my head which has this huge brim sticking out, and I often run into the wall. It's extremely annoying. I understand people don't want hair in their food, and hairnets are pretty ugly, not to mention creepy, so I'm not saying they should ban caps from the workplace. I'm just saying I hate wearing them.

I'll make one thing clear: I don't have a problem with all hats. Some hats can be fun. I have this Fidel Castro hat I love to wear, which I think is fine, because it's more rock 'n' roll than, "Hey, let's go play some catch! In Florida! Where I'm on vacation!"

Also, straw hats and huge horse race hats are fun, too. And old-fashioned hats. It's only baseball caps that make me want to scream.

And I'm not gonna lie, some people can actually pull them off. But when people, especially women, think it's fashionable to start wearing your baseball cap and pulling your ponytail through the little opening in the back, it just makes me cringe. It's even worse when guys start doing this.

It's not fashionable. It's not cute. The only way it will make your head look better is if you're going bald.

I'm not saying I hate the people that wear baseball caps, because I don't, not at all. I'm just saying you won't catch me in one. Outside of work, that is.

And did I mention they make your ears stick out really, really far?