Unlikeable Narrators

Ok, so I'm a writer. And if you're not a writer or a reader, you probably won't get this. But it's something that just makes me angry.

The number one rule for writing fiction is...well, it's "Write about what you know," if you ask most people.

But the other most important rule is "Love your characters."

And the thing is, some authors don't.

I read a book this summer (young adult fiction, of course, because that's my thing), and I thought it'd be really fun, easy, beach reading. However, it wasn't fun. It was awful.

I guess I won't name the author or book title, because assuming my blog ever becomes a viral hit and this author comes across it, I don't want to hurt her feelings. But I'll say what it's about. It's about this girl who has gotten to college, and decides she doesn't want to go, and she packs up and moves back home. And then, throughout the entire book, she lays around the house and whines and complains, even though her dad is super nice, and doesn't even make her get a job until the middle of the book. Oh, and here's another really winning part: Her mother lives in Europe, and she whines and complains when her mother asks her if she wants to live in Europe with her! Are you kidding me? You get a free trip to Europe and you complain about it?

So I read through the whole book, thinking this girl was going to find her ultimate dream and go achieve it. But really, she gets a job, visits some friends, rekindles some relationships with her siblings, but continues to be a huge brat.

And then, I just read this historical fiction book for class. It's from the point of view of this slaver's wife, and so I understand why the character wouldn't exactly be likeable. I mean, she's got it in her mind that slavery is good, blah, blah, blah. So I can see that. But it's very clear that the author doesn't even love this character. In fact, on the back of the book, she calls this character "monstrously self-absorbed."

Monstrously self-absorbed?! That's not how you talk about your characters!

Go ahead and make the most awful character you want. I'm fine with it. Voldemort is pretty awful. But I'm not reading a book from his point of view!

But the second you write a narrator who's a miserable, monstrous person, then I don't want to read it! And if you do make a terrible character, at least have some qualities you like about them.

Please. Ugh.

Just love your characters!

Texting in Class

I'm not a professor. But I'm a senior, and sometimes, especially in classes with freshmen and sophomores, I feel like a professor. And I really get annoyed by these people sometimes, because they have no idea how to behave in class. Often, they text during the discussion.

I can't stand that clicking noise. It's so loud. At least try to be a little discrete.

Oh, but, wait. The thing is, they do try to be discrete. They hold their phones underneath their desks. Because it doesn't look suspicious when you're sitting there staring at your lap. A little weird? Yes. Suspicious? Also, yes.

So I hate it. It's not like I get very distracted over it. I just think it's very disrespectful. And kinda dumb, since you're paying tens of thousands of dollars to be in class.

But I guess that's why I'm a senior, and that's why I do well in my classes. Because I have a long enough attention span to sit through 2 hours without texting "lol" and "asap" and "c u l8er" to my friends.

Gosh, I feel kinda old...

Internet Connection

Here it is. Something else I hate. And this one, I hate very, very much.

As a matter of fact, while I was typing this, my internet decided to cut out. Thank you, Charter! Last night, I was freaking out about how much I hate computers (when in reality I meant the internet), and I said I was going to blog about it. And my sister so comically replied, "If you can get online."

Because here's the deal with my internet: sometimes, out of nowhere, it will disconnect. Magically. All by itself. Which may be my fault, because I did name my wireless router Harry Potter. And it could be doing spells to shut itself down.

But somehow I doubt that.

I'll be in the middle of something really important, like watching America's Next Top Model online, and my internet will just stop. I'll see this little flashing red light on my router, telling me to prepare to freak out. So I'll unplug all my internet hardware. And I'll leave it unplugged for thirty seconds, just like Charter always tells me to do. And when I plug it back in and expect it to work, it doesn't.

Just great.

And what else is just special, is when I try to call Charter about my internet, and sit on hold for an hour. I'm not kidding. One hour. To be told to unplug my stuff and plug it back in. And it works for two days, or in the last case, two hours. And then it stops.

So, tired of waiting on hold (and they don't even have music, they have talking advertisements), I decided to chat with them online. But how am I supposed to chat with them online when my internet isn't working?!

It's a vicious, vicious cycle.

And other than internet connection, I don't have much of a problem with the internet. In fact, I love many of the web sites the internet provides me with. I mean, I can Google anything I want, and I can get up-to-the-minute news on celebrities. And I have this really cool weather widgit on my desktop. So, besides the disgusting message boards that show pictures of skinned animals, the internet's great. If only you didn't have to connect to it...

Let's see if my connection holds up long enough to post this...

Computers

Now don't get me wrong. I'm thankful for technology, and how far we've come over the years. But nothing makes me more angry than dealing with computers! Because no matter how good a computer is, it always, ALWAYS screws up somehow.

I hate nothing more than frozen computers. When my laptop freezes up (which thankfully hasn't happened much with my new one), I tend to beat on the keys. As if this is really going to help. Let's be honest, it doesn't help at all. In fact, it probably contributes to the crapiness that is my laptop. But something this stupid deserves to be beaten.

Another reason why I hate computers is that they enjoy crashing. When I was little, I somehow burnt up our computer monitor. For real. I was on it, and it started ticking, and next thing I knew, there were flames in the side of it. And what did I do? Nothing. Now, I know this isn't a computer per se, but it's close enough. If you need another example of computers crashing for the fun of it, I had a laptop my freshman year, and right before school started my sophomore year, the hard drive decided to blow up. Well, not technically, but you get the point. My computer was just blue every time I turned it on. It was lovely. And then I had to get a new hard drive put in, which was a step up in Windows, and everything was messed up and I didn't know how to use it.

The next thing I hate that has to do with computers is...

Well, that's a story all of it's own. You'll see.

Unnecessary Sequels

I know you know what I'm talking about when I say that I hate unnecessary sequels. There's nothing worse than an unnecessary sequel to ruin your favorite movie. Don't get me wrong, I don't hate all sequels. Quite the contrary. Some sequels-- planned sequels-- can be awesome. But some, well...here's a list. You'll see what I mean.

Saw II through Saw VI- Because it's really necessary to make five more movies full of screaming and blood and gnawing off arms. Come to think of it, Saw I was pretty unnecessary, too.

Pirates of the Caribbean IV- This is my favorite cinematic series of all time. I should say, my favorite trilogy of all time. Because that's what it was supposed to be. But now here comes a number four. Dang. I mean, I love Johnny Depp to the end, but there's no Will or Elizabeth! You can't just cut people out. Come on, Gore Verbinski! Oh, wait, no Gore Verbinski? I rest my case.

Boondock Saints II- All Saints Day. Really? I don't remember much about this movie, but from what I remember, there was no reason to make a sequel. I mean, it's not like this was a huge summer blockbuster. It was sort of a cult hit, which don't usually demand sequels. But it's kind of like...

Donnie Darko II- I'm sorry, S. Darko. Donnie's little sister, apparently. I never saw it. I didn't like the depressing first one, I'm certainly not gonna watch the sequel. But, I mean, it did get a whopping 3.9 stars on IMDB...so maybe I should give it a chance.

Taxi Driver II- Are you talking to me? Are you talking to me? Yeah, I'm talking to you, Scorsese. This movie is 34 years old. Robert DeNiro is old and pudgy. Give it a rest.

Land Before Time II through XVII- Ok, so I don't really know how many Land Before Time movies there are. But, I mean, how many times can the entire dinosaur population die out?

Cinderella II, Pocohontas II, Lion King II, Disney sequels in general- There are a few exceptions. I mean, I can't really think of any right now... the point is, Disney just needs to stop.

So, there you go. Unnecessary sequels. Very, very unnecessary.

Football

It's that time of the year again: Football season. Which also means it's time to throw up.

I know football is supposed to be "America's past-time" and all that, but to me, it's just boring. I mean, there's once in awhile when the guy will get the ball and run super fast down the entire field to get a touchdown, and that's exciting. But that's such a rare occurrence. Most of the time, it's large men throwing each other around, and only running half a yard before they get smooshed.

In high school, our football team sucked. I mean really sucked. One year, I think we didn't even win a game. Even to the team that we'd beaten for 25 years straight. And that was just awful.

I happened to be a cheerleader for football one year, and I didn't know what was up or down or offense or defense or anything. I don't even think I knew what a fumble was. And from all that time spent watching games while I was freezing my butt off, I still didn't learn anything.

Don't get me wrong. The Super Bowl is exciting. I mean, if not for the football, for the commercials and the half-time show and the fact that everyone in the country is watching it. But anything else-- this draft bologna, this college football garbage-- is just dead boring.

So, thanks a lot, America, for giving us such a lame past-time. Why don't we try being collective fans of something else? Like, say, the other kind of football. Now there's something to watch.

Junk Mail

Who doesn't, right?

But, I mean, sometimes my Inbox gets full of spam. Like, last year, I got back from a week-long vacation, and I had like 80 messages in my email, most of which were spam.

And I don't care if they're stupid stuff. But I get ones from Viagra.

Viagra? Really?

1.) I am not an old man.

2.) I am not a sexually-frustrated man.

3.) I am not a man.

And the weirdest part is that the Viagra e-mails come from my own email address. No lie. It creeps me out. A lot.