Voicemail

I'm very thankful that I can get messages when I'm not around to answer my phone.

Yet, for some reason, that little "New Voicemail" icon on my cell phone really irks me.

Mine's a little, green, faceless guy who shows up in the bottom corner and won't leave.

He always overstays his welcome.

I just can't stand having that icon there. CAN'T STAND IT!

So I check it.

And then I have to put in my pass code.

Because someone might hack into my voicemail and steal important information like...my phone messages.

GASP!

So I put in my passcode and all that, and I get to the main menu. And I have two new messages (I'm very popular. Either that, or I lost my phone for about a week).

And to get to the two new messages, I have to press 1.

And it finally plays the first message.

But I don't want to hear that one (it's from my arch-frenemy).

So I want to skip that one and go to the next. But my voicemail won't let me!

It's non-discriminatory. It thinks all voicemail messages are just as important as others. But they're not.

So I have to listen to all that just to get to one I actually want to hear.

And now I'm exhausted and probably have ear cancer from being on the phone so long.

And don't even get me started on saved messages.

I have four saved messages, and I really need to hear this specific one. But, no skipping!

So I have to listen to eight minutes of voicemail messages just to get to the one I need to hear, and by then, I've forgotten why I needed to hear it in the first place.

Good intentions, voicemail, but you're flawed.

Seriously flawed.

Dramatic Singers

You know who you are, Christina Aguilera.

When people sing like they're trying to fly, it really gets to me.

They're holding the mic in their left hand, and their right hand is shaking and lifting up and down, up and down like a crazy fast arm-elevator.

Just stop.

Let your lyrics convey emotion. Not your hand.

Or your eyebrows.

Why must people raise and furrow their eyebrows while they sing? They look ridiculous, because the mic covers their nose and mouth, and all you see are eyes and happy-sad-happy-sad eyebrows peeking over the mic.

I'm talking to you, everyone on The Sing Off.

Just sing the song. Dance if you must. But please don't try to look emotional while doing it.

It looks forced on your face.

If you want to be a dramatic singer, please go to Broadway.

Then I'll only have a problem if you're not being dramatic.

And keep flailing that hand around, and you might just knock someone out.