Baseball Caps

Ok, so I know they're supposed to be the American thing, or whatever. But I think they're ridiculous. I think they're tacky, and I don't think they ever make someone look better. I'm sorry, but I don't. And I especially hate them on women. No offense, ladies. They just make everyone look like tourists!

I mean, if you're out fishing that's fine. If you're actually a baseball player, that's fine too. But other than a few certain circumstances, I'm pretty sure they should be banned from the human wardrobe.

I'd never owned a baseball cap until sixth grade, when we had to go to this week-long outdoor camp, and they recommended everyone bring baseball caps. And I never wore one by choice since.

I had to wear one last summer when I worked in the deli at this grocery store. It was a black Kretschmar hat, which was the type of meat we sliced. Classy, right? And I was always messing with it, adjusting it and whatnot, with my gloves on, and then it would be all full of powder. Some old man even commented on my hat once. "I like your hat," he said, thinking he was being all funny. Whatever.

I also have to wear a hat at the school cafeteria I work at. It's huge and I wear it down over my eyes, so that the only way I can even see what I'm doing is to lift my whole face up and look like a total nerd. Or run into everything, which I do quite often. I forget that I have this hat on my head which has this huge brim sticking out, and I often run into the wall. It's extremely annoying. I understand people don't want hair in their food, and hairnets are pretty ugly, not to mention creepy, so I'm not saying they should ban caps from the workplace. I'm just saying I hate wearing them.

I'll make one thing clear: I don't have a problem with all hats. Some hats can be fun. I have this Fidel Castro hat I love to wear, which I think is fine, because it's more rock 'n' roll than, "Hey, let's go play some catch! In Florida! Where I'm on vacation!"

Also, straw hats and huge horse race hats are fun, too. And old-fashioned hats. It's only baseball caps that make me want to scream.

And I'm not gonna lie, some people can actually pull them off. But when people, especially women, think it's fashionable to start wearing your baseball cap and pulling your ponytail through the little opening in the back, it just makes me cringe. It's even worse when guys start doing this.

It's not fashionable. It's not cute. The only way it will make your head look better is if you're going bald.

I'm not saying I hate the people that wear baseball caps, because I don't, not at all. I'm just saying you won't catch me in one. Outside of work, that is.

And did I mention they make your ears stick out really, really far?

Vampires

Ok, so I read the Twilight books. And I'll admit it, I enjoyed them. Well, I enjoyed the first one a lot, and then it just went downhill from there. But the reason why I liked them was because the vampires weren't normal vampires. But then the last book came along and was just filled with typical, disgusting, vampire crap. So that's really kind of disenchanted me from the whole series. And the movies are awful. But that's another story altogether.

Anyway, back to vampires. They're everywhere right now! You literally can't go to the young adult section of a bookstore (no, I don't care that I'm 21. I love young adult fiction) without seeing a million of them. It's really, really gross. And I'm completely sick of them. I never liked them to begin with.

I had to watch Bram Stoker's Dracula in my horror film class, the one with Keanu Reeves and Sirius Black. It was probably the worst movie I've ever seen. Ok, not the worst, because I've seen much worse, including Twilight, but it was right up there. So I hate Dracula, and I will never read the book, even though it's supposed to be a classic.

I'm not just hating on Bram Stoker, though. I mean, Interview with a Vampire? Not watching it. Because I don't care about anything a vampire has to say. Blade? I watched it once. Well, I think it was Blade Trinity or Blade 3 or something ridiculous. And it was awful. I don't even think I'll watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer, even though it's supposed to be this incredible cult hit.

I don't like their fangs, I don't like their Nosferatu-style popped collars (unless Jim is mocking it on The Office), and I certainly don't like blood. Let alone drinking blood. I can't even stand seeing it come out of my own body; I don't want to watch someone suck it out of someone else's neck or drink it out of a goblet. Disgusting.

Parking Lots

I. Hate. Them.

Not only has my car gotten hit three times while parked, but you practically get hit every time you're in a parking lot! I'm not kidding you. No one looks where they're going when they back up. And then you've got children running around, because their parents don't have them on leashes, and they like to be right behind your car. And then there's some kind of parade of clowns that take their sweet old time walking behind your car, and you can never, ever get out of your parking spot.

Ok, that clown part hasn't happened to me. But I wouldn't doubt it if it happened tomorrow. I have a funny way of predicting the future.

Anyway, another reason why I hate parking lots, despite the fact that I don't want to have my car in the shop for body repair anymore, is phantom parkers. You know. The ones that pull so far into the parking place, that when the parking lot is crowded, you get really excited because you found that perfect spot, and it's usually really close to the building, and then you pull up, and you're about to turn in, and you find a car. Most likely it's a tiny fuel-efficient car that is so small, it can't take up the whole parking spot anyway, but you still get mad.

Not to mention, parking lots are always full. Especially when you're in a hurry, or when you're running late. Like on the few days a year I'm actually running later than usual for class, I can never find a parking spot. And then I have to park all the way across campus and basically run just to make it on time.

One more thing I dislike is when motorcycles or mopeds take up an entire spot to themselves. Come on, now. Your moped needs to take hospice in an entire parking spot all by itself? It's a moped, for crying out loud! Park it on the sidewalk.

Anyway, this brings me to the conclusion that maybe I should just walk everywhere, and then I won't have to worry about parking lots. Except when I have to walk through one, and I'm that parading person holding everyone up and trying not to get backed into.

Comic Sans

I had an English teacher in high school who used Comic Sans on everything she wrote for us. Whether it was an assignment sheet that told us to find the alliteration and assinins in a pop song or an essay test, it was written in Comic Sans. Which was cool, because it wasn't Times New Roman. In high school, every teacher told you to type your papers in size 12, Times New Roman, and everything they ever gave you was written in size 12, Times New Roman. So Comic Sans was really great.

Until it started showing up everywhere. And the worst thing about it is that you can tell it's Comic Sans. Alright, so I'm a real nerd, and I love fonts. And I can tell what a lot of fonts are when I see them, which is one thing I pride myself on. But Comic Sans? Everyone knows what that one is. And I don't think it's cool to use a font that everyone and their brother used on MSN in the sixth grade. Let alone, use it everywhere. And for everything.

I'm not kidding you, you could have the serious letter ever-- have President Obama tell you to go directly to jail, do not pass "Go," do not collect $200-- and slap some Comic Sans on there, and you'd laugh. I'm not kidding. You'd laugh. Because not only would it look fake, but it would look cheap. And you'd be wishing he would have passed "Go" and collected those $200 so that he could afford some more expensive-looking fonts.

It took me up until a couple of years ago to realize it was Comic Sans, as in Comic, like comic books. Which is cool. But it should really stay there. If it doesn't say Boom!, Pow!, or Bang!, then it shouldn't be in Comic Sans.

And if you are writing Boom!, Pow!, or Bang!, I hope it's not for anything serious. Because that's a little strange.

Now, there are still some people out there who like Comic Sans-- not to mention any names-- and will still use it. But not me. And when I see it, I just want to die. Just a little. Because there are so many better fonts out there. Go to a free font site and download some! They're free, people. It's time to move on from Comic Sans.

I'd rather see everything in Times New Roman, I swear. Or worse, Courier.

Here's something really nerdy, that I think is pretty funny. Check it out.

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/monologues/15comicsans.html

And if everyone starts using Comic Sans on me, I think I might die. So, please don't, or I'll hack your computer and delete it from your Font folder.

Space

Alright, I wanna start this off with a bang. No pun intended.

Well, it was. Kind of.

But anyway, getting down to the nitty-gritty...I hate space.

Yes, I know, we live in space. But that doesn't mean I have to like it.

I'm not really sure why I hate it so much. I think it's because it's all so unknown and gigantic. And kinda weird. I mean, Betelgeuse could've exploded 500 years ago and we won't know about it for another 100 years? What's that all about?

I mean, don't get me wrong. I like looking at stars and trying to find constellations as much as the next person. I found Scorpio once all by myself and got super excited. I just don't like the idea of it. I honestly get freaked out after looking at it for awhile, because I start to think about what's up there. Or who.

Which brings me to another reason I hate space: aliens. Maybe they're not real. But maybe, just maybe, they are. And what then? UFO sightings, Area 51, Roswell, all that stuff? It's terrifying. I think I'm so afraid because when I was little, my dad happened to be watching this movie about a man who gets abducted by aliens. He gets so scared when he gets back to Earth that he hides under tables to avoid being sucked up into their nasty larvae-filled space ship again. That's what I remember, at least.

But anyway, those thoughts have kinda stuck with me my whole life, I guess. And this is what happens. I also hate E.T. I know he's supposed to be cute and it's supposed to be sad and all that, but after I watched it when I was a kid, I was scared to go outside at night for weeks. Possibly forever.

So, there it is. I hate space. I can't really help it. I mean, maybe we're supposed to hate it. Or maybe I just fear the unknown. And aliens.

Yeah, mostly aliens.